About Vice City Notes
You won’t find my name in the credits, but for a few months towards the end of 1996 and early 1997 I was asked to write/rewrite dialogue for Grand Theft Auto. Nominally, my main task at the time was writing material for Body Harvest – a story in itself – but I put my mind to the job. I was DMA Design’s writer and I thought this would be a nice break.
The missions and some basic dialogue already existed.
I’d been contributing to the evolution of the game by dint of being in the Design Department. My name is in the first paragraph of the original design document, for example, but aside from that claim to fame and a few meetings here and there, I wasn’t a fully paid-up member of the GTA team.
If you are a GTA fan, then none of the stuff below will be familiar to you. When I presented the final version to Gary Penn he patiently read through the lot, nodded at appropriate places, before telling me that the dialogue was very entertaining.
And that it was also too large to fit on a pager.
From what I can gather, it would seem that the name Deever made it into the final game, though his character would be very different from the one I created here. In fact, it may even be the case that my sole surviving contribution to the GTA franchise is literally a single word. Now that’s aggressive editing.
I’ve been assured that it was otherwise, though. But then I’m naturally a glass not only being half-empty, but possibly a biohazard too kind of guy.
I couldn’t push my case because by then I was preparing to go freelance, and in June of ‘97 I left DMA in order to get shafted harder by any company I’ve encountered before or since. Hindsight, eh?
The final version which I wrote and presented still exists, but is a lot more refined, pared down and not as frankly inadvisable as this version. I don’t know how much of it, if any, made it into the game in whatever form. Even though it’s more complete, I’m not presenting it here because it wasn’t as fun.
I’ve formatted it for the web and cleaned up a few typos here and there, but otherwise it is exactly as I wrote it in 1997. Even the bits that, on re-reading, I really wish I hadn’t. As seen here, it’s a work in progress, where I had a habit of mixing notes seamlessly and not-so seamlessly with the text.
And no, the name Renton genuinely isn’t a nod to Trainspotting. I think I must have absorbed it by osmosis from the stack of Empire magazines which by then were accumulating on the sideboard. However, cake is definitely a nod to Brass Eye, the cult boss has an obvious real-life inspiration as does the radio host. I have nothing against those of the ginger persuasion, except at the time of writing one of them had run off with my girl.
A couple of things may need explaining. I wasn’t entirely happy with DMA at the time, so as with the official newsletter (which I also wrote) and in some of the asides below, some commentary slipped into the text. The other was that I tended to write late at night, much later than was really healthy, and that my neighbours were a shower of bastards. Noisy, noisy, ugly troll-like evil bastards who kept me awake and I hated them.
So towards the end, there is slight blurring of the narrative with the commentary. I think I was driven slightly loopy by those days and writing GTA dialogue now would be a very different experience and have a very different result.
In the text, P means a pager message and V means a voice message.
Vice City Notes
A Grand Theft Auto Production
Steve Hammond, This Version 11 Feb 97
Three main gangs, Columbians, Jamaicans and Cubans. Each one of which is really just another gang in “Miami” City.
So, names. Slashers, Night Razors – or is that all too “small-time petty thug”?
Cubans – interested in selling.
Jamaican’s – importing.
Columbians – importing.
Two main powers vying for supremacy with a third, smaller one skulking around on the outskirts. The small one will be the importers? The other two will be the dealers and sellers.
In order of size:
Drug-Cult – player ends up working for them by the end of the game.
What about major religious overtones for one of the gangs, a largish drug-cult of some description.
Picking up objects, could that be applied to things like cellphones and suchlike. Religious artefacts. Does it matter “technically” what is in the back of the trunk? It does not. So we could have some object which is important to the cult – like their holy book – which is being used to write down drugs shipment dates disguised as holy passages. Return it to them powdered up in a bag? Get high on the lord, man!
OK, so we got the Holy Book.
Pres is influenced by the god-boys, even gets hi fuckin’ horoscope done. They can’t be allowed too much influence. Gotta do a “Kennedy” on the Pres. Or “The Pres gotta get Kennedied.”
- Jonny Renton Mafia
Thin, weaselly guy aged 17 and imagines that he’s really in control of the gang, hence takes a bit too much in the way of liberties. Luckily it’s a family thing or he would have found himself on the wrong side of a train carriage long since. Jonny is an obnoxious little creep. Greasy and spotty, he is more likely to get killed by his family than a rival gang. He famously got about a dozen or so of his classmates in school addicted to crack which meant that even at 17, he had his own little “hit squad.” What a bastard!
He writes “cool” as “k00l” and writes things like “d00dz”
- Big Mr. Renton Mafia
The leader of the gang. A big, bull of a man who expects things to be done to the letter and is extremely unforgiving of fuckups. He can’t quite work out if the greasy little bastard Jonny is really his son or not. He hopes to God not, then he can do something about it. And speaking of God, he used to have faith until Jonny turned out the way he did. Now he has a hefty dislike of all things religious. And when it comes to TV evangelists… One thing in his favour, he does have a measure of honour; if you stay out of his way, he won’t bother you.
- Charlotte Unaligned
She is a 23 year old bimbette who gives other bimbos a bad name. She is impressed by fast and expensive cars – as you’d expect – and is shagging Jonny just so that she can somehow get through to his dad and become his mistress. Manipulative or what?
- Dehenny Drug-Cult
Tall in a lanky kind of way. Devious and quite amoral as opposed to plainly evil, though the distinction is usually lost on the people he crosses.
- Christian Evanier Drug-Cult
Nothing like Chris Evans, oh no, not one bit of it. He thinks he is a lot funnier than is actually the case. On the plus side, he has connections to the current government. This is quite noticeable as the show he presents has a distinct political bias. He worked his way through Public Access Cable to get where he is now.
- Crimson Bob Deever Mafia
Renton’s second and an advert for steroids and crash weight gain formula. Takes care of all the little distractions, like assassination attempted on Renton with less than three assassin’s at once. He’s built like a bull and is often mistaken for a bus. Or is that the other way round? So called because of the wake of blood he sometimes leaves behind him.
- Rev. L. Ron Hoover Drug-Cult
Ah yes, the pious, caring goldenboy exterior hides a heart of pure corruption. He has connections to the President concerning matters of religion, horoscopes, divining using string and… well he’s an out and out drug-cult leader who calculates exactly what he’s doing and is only in this to screw as much cash as possible out of the members. And screw the members he takes a shine to. He broadcasts from the same TV station that Presenter has his show. Just a recipe for trouble, huh?
- Mafia Boss – Mastrantonio.
- The Reverendwho is head of the cult.
One of the characters used phrases like “doing a kennedy” or “pulling a waco” – called Boothe?
Missions in a Nutshell
Find one of the three sets of phones.
- Jonny Comes of Age
A Hit Ice Jake so that he can’t blow the shipment.
- Repo Get the bike of the Hell’s Angel’s leaders just to piss them off because they’ve been making trouble.
- Bank Job Get Car. Get Ricardo. Get Out.
- Dodgy Cops Take payoff money to the bent cops. Don’t kill them or wreck your car. (See, we gave you the special one. Eh? Jonny sat here. Fuckin’ legendary car, man.)
5 Jonny Makes Out
5. GTA Steal a car and take it to a safe house. This is the one where Jonny is trying to impress his squeeze by getting her a new car – ordered to speck
- Rig the Limo Got to intercept a Limousine, rig it with a bomb and make sure someone is inside when it goes off. This is an assassination designed to send a message. The Mafia are not to be fucked with. Singer – if it’s her – could be the lover of the presenter.
- Sabotage Get a specific car, rig it with a bomb, blow it up outside someone’s house and then collect the money that was going to that same guy.
- Major Deal There is a deal going down. Take out the Diesel Truck of which there is lots of drugs in the tank. Presumably this is intended to disrupt the deal between two of the rival gangs.
- Drug Bust NB. The original description of this mission is completely fucking incoherent. Might be a good idea for the initial voice brief to conclude with something sarcastic like “Now you got all that?” Pretty damn big mission too!
- Major Setup Pick up the boss, only it goes wrong and he has to be gotten out of there in one big hurry.
- Kill Gang …and blow showroom apparently. Essentially shenanigans involving a car showroom and bloodbath which is subsequently pinned on another gang.
- Find Base … and make base go boom! Follow guy, find out his location and then blow him and the location to bits using the explosives truck. (NB. Fuck me, this city is going to have to be tortured into making some kind of sense. The Writers’ Motto…)
- Clean Up Pick up cars, put them in a field (car park) and bomb the bastards! Or something like that. Yet another piece of ill-thought out nonsense which I have to miraculously rescue and turn into gold.
- Find Hospital … and blow up hospital. Hmmm, there’s a kind of explosivey theme developing here. The Hospital to do the finger to, is the one with a gang leader in it. So what kind of ailment is he suffering? Fucked one too many of the wrong sort of woman. (Now that’s sick!)
- Meeting Screw up a meeting between two gangs making peace, so that it looks like one of them has set up a trap for the other. Also take out one of the bosses just for juicy kicks.
- Escort Court Some bastard is going to testify against the boss. Make sure that he ends up pavement pizza. And pick up the boss and get him out etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.
Now onto the hard missions.
- Blam Sports Rig a sports car with a bomb in order to kill the brother of one of the gang’s bosses. It gets complex after this. More info needed. Seek advice from other writers. Help! Help!
And at this point the player gets the sinking (or elated depending on much of a bastard he is) feeling that he now must work for the opposition. Jonny’s gonna be pissed.
- Convicts Hijack a prison bus with a prominent Mafia member on it and drive to a pre-arranged point where lots of nasty men with guns do nasty things to the bus and its contents.
- Snout Protect the snout who has information, from an assassin who works for your ex-employers – i.e. the Mafia. Once the assassin has been killed, get the information from the snout.
- Boss Car Seems that the best way to hurt a Columbian Drug Lord is to total his collection of expensive limited edition sports cars. You must kill the six guys – some of Jonny’s reject classmates who he’s addicted to crack – before they get there.
- Cemetery It’s one of those big family funerals for the Mafia and someone has to disrupt the event by hitting them hard and fatally. Guess who that’s going to be…
- Gunfight There is a meeting between the Mafia and the columbians, attempting to negotiate god know what. It all goes tits-up and naturally you are expected to start shooting the Mafia guys.
- Grassy Knoll Kill the Pres!
- Kamikaze Some guy has gotten a little upset as his prior treatment by the Columbs. What was supposed to be a simple pick-up-the-cash gig turns into a race against time before the nutter explodes himself.
- Bosses House The Mafia are starting to bring in the heavy guns and are moving in on the columbian bosses house
- Kill Dealers The contact for the Mafia is going round all the dealers collecting money. Follow himand identify the dealers before picking them off, leaving the way clear for the columbian dealers to take over.
- Vice Beach The Mafia run Vice Beach. So kill things and destroy cars.
- MCC The police are watching, so destroy their Mobile Command Centres to prevent them doing it.
And now the fun hidden missions.
- Save Girl Get to the girl before the rigged taxi does.
- TV Station Destroy the TV station by blowing it up. Hmm. Whoever wrote these missions was a little anorexic in the imagination department.
- Kill Brother In order to take the heat off of you, kill your brother and let police believe that was really you.
Mission 1: Jonny Comes of Age
Just a standard hit. Little Jonny Renton is being given his first taste of official family authority.
(Sounds of outdoor in the background, like the call’s been made from a payphone. Jonny, trying not to giggle – like, it’s his first time giving orders.)
Jonny: Hey man! Hey, uh, we got a jerkoff thinks he can leak a deal going down and like, not get me pissed. So this Jake dude… (second voice, Deever, in background for a second, explaining something)… yeah, Jake’s gonna do it from a phone and… and ya gotta take him out when he, like, leaves the car.
He made the call damn it… Don’t make me look bad, man. Fuckup d00dz get to be DEAD d00dz…
Hell, don’t start losing it now, man… Jake passed on the info to his squeeze and now he’s gonna call from the train station in Banana Grove. You know it? Then get there!
C00l! You made me a hero, d00d! Now don’t screw around and get to the safe house in Banana Grove.
Nice work, man! This tale will get drinks bought for me for weeks! The shipment goes ahead…
You were supposed to WAIT until he LEFT the car. Better keep watching over your shoulder man, you got ME to worry about now…
Mission 2: Repo
Grab that car!
Jonny: s’Jonny here, I’m gonna stir up some shit with the Bikers, bastard chapter head dissed my girl… hey, no backing out, I can get dirt on you easy… so go steal his bike. Let’s give ‘em a message know what I’m sayin’?
C00l. Just don’t lead the bastards back to me. Lose them and get to the garage in Greek Heights.
Jonny: Allright!! That’ll look great nailed over the fireplace! King fucking Jonny!
Just had a thought… There’s one of L. Ron’s cult-wagon cars pissing about in Coral City. Let’s bag it too!
They expected us coming! It’s a trap! Sorry to lay that shit, on you, d00d, better get to the garage in Greek Heights.
Fucking-A. Deever bet you’d end up spread over the ass-end of a bus. You won me $50 man! Thanks!
Jesus! What the hell use is a WRECKED car, shit-for-brains???
Mission 3: Bank Job
Simply be the getaway driver for a bank job. Ah yes, but no ordinary bank job.
Deever: That little prick Jonny’s come up with a half-assed plan and Mister Renton’s given it the green light, fuck knows why. You’re gonna make it happen. Get your butt up to Banana Grove, get the car and don’t do nuthin’ else. He wants someone to think, he’ll hire fuckin’ Einstein. Got it?
OK, Jonny’s little rent-a-gang crackhead’s just held up a bank in Richman Heights and the damn thing worked. Get there right this fucking instant and pull his ass outta the pan.
Right, put dust between you and the cops. Get the bastard to the safe house in Banana Grove.
Crackhead: (teenage, excited) Woow. Go man, go, go GO! I got it! I got the cult-guy’s holy book out the safe! This is hot!
Deever: Not bad, not fucking bad at all. Just don’t go gettin’ grand ideas mind. Just ‘cause you’re on the payroll, don’t mean you get shares in the family. Seems a “holy book” is the perfect disguise for a list of coded drug shipment dates.
Just what the hell was THAT little performance supposed to be? You do a getaway, you drive the GETAWAY car, asshole.
Scratch one more crackhead to sell to. No big loss.
Mission 4: Dodgy Cops
A straightfoward task. Get the kickbacks to the bent cops.
Big Mister Renton: (Calm and extremely measured.) Jonny tells me you’re OK. So you gotta prove it to me. You know the score with the cops? The kind of cops we like? Kickbacks, bribes and payoffs, yeah? We have three coming up. The first guy’s in Little Dominica. (beat.) Oh, and something to remember: don’t piss them off. That means no wrecked cars or dead bodies. I hope we’re clear on this.
Big Mister Renton: Look’s like Jonny was right about you. It’s good to see some professionalism. Seems he gets good judgement at least once out of ten.
OK. Second up is a guy at Vice Beach. Keep on your pleasant face and don’t even think of acting Mr. Badass.
Cop: Thanks. You got a blind eye turned for another week. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t. (Laughs at his own joke.)
Just about done. You’re showing admirable restraint. Last one’s in Richmond Heights.
I could use this. Tell Renton I’ll meet at the usual place.
I appreciate a job with no fuss, no fuckups. Well done. That’ll keep them sweet and pocketable.
You want to work for the precinct or something??? When you work for me you follow instructions to the letter! He’s NO USE TO ME DEAD!
I don’t care HOW bent a cop is, he can’t pass info our way if you KILL him! I should have trusted my goddamn instinct about you.
Mission 5: Jonny Makes Out
Jonny is trying to impress his girl and what better way than to get her the car of her dreams just by making a phone call?
(It’s obvious that Jonny isn’t alone, only this time it isn’t Deever, but Charlotte. Sounds like they can’t keep their hands off each other.)
Jonny: (He’s in a fantastic mood.) Hey man, ’s Jonny again. Need a car, like real quick. Cool one. Low and flash, like a real neat one. Ya handle it?
Charlotte: (In background, petulant, air-for-brains) Jonneee! I said a Chevvy. I saw it in Felicity. I want that one, honey. Pleeease?
Jonny: (Sound of them kissing sloppily) for you, doll… anything. (To phone) OK, ya catch that? Get the Chevvy, man. Be seein’ ya.
C00l. This is going to get me laid big time. Now get the thing to the safe house in Banana grove. Not a scratch! You blow my chance of her blowing me and I blow YOU away.
Charlotte wants to get it on at Vice Beach Hotel. So you better make sure the Chevvy gets there.
Jonny: Classic, man! This’ll open her legs a fuckin’ treat! Thanks, you ain’t the loser I figured you might be. Could be more work for you. Stick around, man!
The stupid broad wants another one, fuck knows why. I saw one in Greek Heights. Go bag it, man.
Maybe she’ll be happy at goddamn last, empty headed bitch. Take it to Banana Grove until I figure what the hell to do with it.
Take it to Charlotte’s store in Greek Heights… You don’t even have to gift wrap it…
Charlotte: (Emptily, dizzily impressed) Awoow, neat!
Reckon I’ll expand my worldview if you catch my angle, man… Bag me a sports job from Vice Shores and I’ll cut you in….
Kewl! Deever pointed a buyer in the right direction… let’s call it the house in Banana Grove for the drop off…
Right… so far so good, man…. take it to the garage in Felicity… and no fucking surprises, yeah?
Jonny: (Elated, arrogant, as usual) Hey my man! Your money up front as per goddamn spec! Me an’ you gotta paint the town red sometime. Oh hey, what the fuck? Ah hell, gotta go. The old man wants something…
This is Deever. Jonny had to take care of something. We need a job done and we might as well use you. Get a car that’s driving around Richmond Heights.
Don’t stop to smell the goddamn roses. Bring it along to the house in Banana Grove.
Damn thing’s too hot; better take it to the garage in Greek Heights until the heat’s off.
Deever: That’s all we need, cleaning up after fucking Jonny. We want merchandise we can turn around quickly. Not like this piece of shit. (SFX: Deever hitting roof of car with fist.) He’s gonna have ta get the lesson beaten into him.
Mission 6: Rigged Limo
Intercept a Limo, rig it with a bomb, pick up someone, run. Etc.
(Almost frothing at the mouth, this issue burns him up…)
[someone]: OK, this is gonna make the front page. [Drug Cult]’s been edging into our patch, see. Ain’t gonna happen no more ‘cause we’re gonna send a message. We’re gonna make a big freakin’ wave. Stick your fingers in our pie and you’re gonna get bitten. There’s a limo up Vice Shores way; you’re about to become the driver.
Next step is to get the thing kitted out with a little “surprise.” We don’t have to tell you where the bombshops are, do we?
Lucy’s the singer’s about to learn that you don’t get married to someone like L. Ron, because you’ll just end up being leverage. Get to the club in Miramar and pick her up. When she gets in, arm the car and lose yourself.
You’ve been made! Get out of there. And don’t lead them back to us.
That ought to hold them for a while. The “fat lady” has sung her last. Watch your back pal, L. Ron’s gonna be plenty pissed.
That wrecked piece of shit ain’t going to convince nobody. She’s not going to fall for it. Better forget the whole sorry deal, asshole. I had a LOT riding on this one.
You are way, way too late, asshole. She’s picked up and YOU are going down.
Mission 7: Sabotage
Blow up Ginge and pretend to be him to pick up cash from his crony cohorts.
Big Mister Renton: We’re going to make you gainfully employed. There’s a car parked in Felicity. We’ve got a small-time dealer we’re going to stitch up real good. His contacts are expecting a new man to collect the cash. He’s about to lose something close to him. You’re going to connect the dots.
The power output needs boosted a bit… so take it to one of our bombshops. You know the drill.
Ginge is strictly small-time – third rate even – but he’s well organised, even if his safeguards stink. You know how bombs work by now, so you’re going to make it happen at his house in Richmond Heights.
Beautiful! Now he’s dead, his property reverts to me by default, only his contacts don’t know that yet. The first guy you’re going to contact is in Little Bogota. He should have a briefcase full of used notes.
Fuckwit 1: You’re the new guy, right? You’re a bit taller than I expected. Hey, tell [name] I wuz askin’ for him.
Christ, Ginge must get henchmen free with cereal boxes. The next loser operates out of Little Dominica.
Fuckwit 2: Tell Ginge not to spend it all at once, eh?
Deever tells me the next one is based in Miramire. So I want to to follow it up. We don’t think they’ll be any problems.
Fuckwit 3: Yo, pal, it’s all there. Counted it three times and sure enough it came back thirteen grand three times. Sure beats honest workin’ for a living!
The last one’s holed up in Vice Shores.
Fuckwit 4: Hurry it up there! Money don’ wanna hang around and neither do I.
Nicely pulled off. Take some notes out the stash and send flowers to Ginge’s family. Rub it in a bit.
I am VERY dissapointed. You follow my instructions. You do NOT think for yourself. Picking up the money means ONLY that. Killing the contacts means you might die yourself. Understand?
Mission 8: The Bimbo gets Bitchy
You’ve got to take out the diesel truck so that all the shipment in the fake tank gets wrecked and puts a real damper on the other gang’s day.
(Charlotte is doing the talking at Jonny’s encouragement. Her attempts at sounding tough should deliberatly sound ridiculous.)
Jonny: (in background) Go on, doll…
Charlotte: (fake tough) We got a deal goin’ down between… who?
Jonny: (whispering) …the cult boys…
Charlotte: …the adult toys, see an’, an… we need ‘em taken up…
Jonny: (louder, annoyed) down! Jesus! (grabs phone) Look, man; the cult boys are taking a shipment in a diesel truck, only we’re gonna make sure it don’t happen. Lethal force man, go get the bastards. (to Charlotte in background, placatingly) OK, doll, you were good… (click)
Generic Badass: Holy Shit! Get that punk!
Jonny says that their supplies will stop for a while. Hope you’re OK. Love, Charlotte. xxx.
Mission 9: Drugs Make You Jumpy
Basically there’s been a tip-off about an impending raid, so you have to get the drugs to the dealers immediately – a lot sooner than anticipated.
Big Mister Renton: Hope you’re feeling sharp right now kid, we have to move some shit out quickly. Meet up with Renny down at Vice Beach pool. This one’s crucial; we need you at your max.
Renny: (breathless) You must be the Bosses new favourite…. anyway, one of our suppliers got big ideas and thought he could deal our shipment out to the opposition. The boss wants that stuff back, no compromise. You up to that, huh? OK, get over to Richmond Heights.
Just remember, the limo has more rights than anyone who sells out.
Get the limo to Richmond Heights and don’t damage the shipment!
Renny: Good, I like smoothness. That’ll help to save our ass, but we still need the other limo. Keep the show rolling! (shouts as if to the player driving away) And hey! Keep cool!
Take it to the other garage in Felicity. Remember we’ve not much error margin.
Renny: The Boss didn’t explain much, did he? OK, here’s the story. The shit should’ve been to our dealers an hour ago. Makes us look bad to the buyers, so you gotta get the shit to the dealers. Swap cars… uh let’s see… yeah, take the one parked in Banana Grove.
The first dealer is in Greek Heights. He’ll try and haggle you down. Stick to the price.
Dealer: So it was you that’s been goin’ through the gangs like a dose of salts? Nice one!
The next junkie works on the Vice Beach patch. I don’t think he’ll give you any trouble.
Junkie: Can I git a sample, huh? Jeez, how am I gonna test it? Come on man!
The next guy is the last delivery for this load. He’s in Banana Grove. Just got word: your friend Jonny’s looking to meet you.
Idiot: Wow, look at that… word is you guys deal the purest shit this side of Felicity…. That true?
I’ve arranged another car in Felicity. It’s all packed and ready to go. Get supplying.
Your heading is a guy in Vice Beach.
Angry Young Numpty: What the fuck time do you call this, man? I got the shakes real bad, you want I should die or sumthin’???
Take the next one to a guy in downtown Greek Heights. Real sorry case. Can’t miss him.
Ian: Any later and I was gonna get out the business an’ move into dealing hot computer game source code. Got any jobs?
Last one; get it to the dealer in Felicity.
Dealer: I’ve got a string of buyers forming a queue, a string d’ya hear me. Yeah, ok, looks useable. (to himself) Goddamn string of folk. (beat) (to player) Well get outta here then you asswipe.
I think you saved us, good work. Just don’t ever think about delivering pizzas instead!
There was millions in that limo! Do you know how much was riding on this???? You’re gonna get hunted down like a fucking dog.
Jesus, trustworthy dealers can’t be replaced just like that! You fucked up big time!
Mission 10: Major Setup
Save the Boss.
Deever: OK, you piece of shit, we want no fuckups, no screwups, no distractions and no fucking playing with yourself when you oughtta be drivin’. You’re gonna be meeting the Boss, so that means you listen to me and you don’t show one goddamn ounce of independent thought? Now go to the Bosses house and get in the limo.
Big Mister Renton: You’ve been making quite a name for yourself, kid. I still reckon you’re green, but you got promise and you got guts: I like that. Now let’s go, the [Drug Cult] says he has something to say to me. Little Dominica. Start moving.
Big Mister Renton: (loud, shocked) Fuck. We’ve been setup! (Quiter, “close in” to the player) Get me outta here, kid. You gonna prove yourself to me, this is your goddamn moment…
Big Mister Renton: Get me back to Banana Grove, kid. Go! GO!
The Boss is dead. You will not believe the shit you’ve just brought down on yourself…
Big Mister Renton: Great driving kid! My ass is in one piece. I’ll see you proud for this, I’ll never forget it.
Mission 11: Ginges Gang go Ape
Ginges gang is on the way out, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be pushed downwards a bit further.
Jonny: Oh man, I got a fuckin’ good one for ya! Some biker throwbacks jumped in ta bed with Ginge’s little outfit. That’s way the wrong fucking thing to do! We’re gonna spoil their whole day, man! Oh wow, I’ll fill you in…. just get the car from the Vice Shores showroom. Ya handle that?
You’ll see the gang in the court at Little Dominica… Go nuts, man… Give it the old excessive force… Six warning shots in the back from J0nny! Take them out, d00d!!!
Gang Member: (female perhaps, for a change?) What the fu… the bastards set us up!
Zap those mothers!!! The [gang]’ll be well fucked off with the bikers! You are my portable badass, man! A miniature warzone!
Now we’re gonna dirty up the [gang]’s spick and span showroom in Vice Shores and set them up something rotten. Get the car at Pedro’s pad.
Simple from here on in, man… just turn the whole place over… cars ain’t worth shit if they’re junked… by creative… waste ‘em all!
The more cars turned into shit, the badder you are, man! Don’t hold nuthin back…
That is the baddest thing I ever saw! We just started a war between them! This time next year you’ll be my number fucking one!
Mission 12: Boom the Base
Blow up a base. This could perhaps be the secret manufacturing plant for the Drug Cult?
Deever: The Cult’s getting kids hooked on “cake” which aint no bad thing, only it’s not our stuff they’re dealing. We’re gonna put that right just as soon as you can find their manufacturing base. Follow their guy in the car. And keep outta sight!
You lost him! I knew it you useless piece of shit! Past glory don’t count for nuthin. You’re meat.
Heist the explosives truck parked in Little Bogota. There’ll be guards, so watch your ass.
How the hell do you expect to get in there with something like that? Think BIGGER, you asshole!
That’s real unstable shit in the back, don’t hit nuthin on your way to their base.
That’ll do. Now set the thing off and get clear. Not even you could screw it now.
Explosives >; truck, truck <; explosives. You want it spelled out? YOU CAN’T BLOW UP THE BUILDING WITHOUT THE FUCKING EXPLOSIVES TRUCK!  P
Jesus, that’s it all over now. How are you meant to blow them up?
Nicely done. OK, you got some of my respect, but only some, mind.
Mission 13: Clean Up
Blow up some cars inside a car park. Why? Fuck knows… maybe it’s one of Jonny’s wacko schemes….
Mission 15: Jonny Discovers the Cost of Living
Jonny: (severely subdued and sounding more than a little drunk) s’Jonny, man. How ya doin’ pal. Listen up… I’m OK, I’m fucking OK. Bastards did over Charlotte… she’s… in a bad way. Listen… we’re gonna nail those fuckers to the fucking wall. Ya hear me! Ya…ya… gotta get a truck… s’in Little Bogota.
(Note: you may wish to alter the pager text so that it looks mistyped, i.e. as you might if you were drunk.)
There’s a meeting between the Cult-boys and Ginge’s old gang…. in the park…. Vice Shores or something. I’m not meant to do nuthing. I want you kill the [Ginge Gang] boss. Keep your head down, man. I like you.
Yes! Yes! Yes!!!!!!!!! FUCKING A!!! Nobody fucks with Jonny. NOBODY!
Mission 16: Escort
Escort the Boss.
Deever: Some lowlife fuck got a deal on video and he’s gonna tell the cops where he stashed the tape. You’re all we got, so get driving and put the bastard on a slab.
The Boss is in trouble now and you let it happen! You better make like a ghost and vanish.
Perfect. He ain’t gonna say shit now.
Get your ass to Banana Grove and pick up the Bosses limo at his house.
OK, get back to the station and pick up the Boss.
Big Mister Renton: Ah hell, not again! Get me home, kid!
Big Mister Renton: You’re driving saved my life. My gratitude goes deep.
Mission 17: A Shift of Perspective
Put the words “pear” and “shaped” next to each other in a sentence.
Deever: No time to waste, get the car from Richmond Heights – it belongs to the Cult-Boss’ brother.
Get it rigged at our nearest bombshop.
He’ll be back soon, put it back where you found it before he notices.
Get out and wait, make sure you see him get in the car.
Acceptable work. I’ll contact you.
He was supposed to get in the car first, you asshole!
Now we got a wrecked car and a live brother; you were supposed to blow up HIM too!
You’re too late, he knows it’s been stolen. Call the whole fucking thing off.
Carbombs are anonymous! Kill him like that and it leads right back to us!
Ah my friend, I want to talk to you on the phone – pick up the one in Greek Heights.
L Ron: (quiet, understated) Go to the phone in Greek Heights and be certain, you understand?, that non-one is following you.
L Ron: I think you will have lost any pursuers, the last phone is in Vice Beach.
L Ron: (laughing quietly to himself) I know what this looks like, don’t try to escape. My associates only wish to speak with you.
Dehenny: The boss wants to sweeten you up… ten mil… and you work for us. You in?
Dehenny: If that gets you hard, walk off to the right, you don’t like our generous offer, walk away from a fortune down thataway to the left.
L Ron: A good choice my friend, you will have wealth beyond dreaming.
Dehenny: You fucking loser, you will work for us… You ain’t got a choice in the long run…
It’s the Boss, kid. I need a little itch scratched – take out the Limo in Banana Grove. No sweat.
Anyone can be “the boss” on a pager… You just offed your bosses wife. Nobody turns their back on us, “kid”
You have no choice but to work for L Ron and his associates. We can protect you as long as you are useful.
L Ron: (a lot more sinister than before) Your ex-employers are out for a bit of revenge it would seem, by trashing my automobiles. Get up to Richman Heights and kill them. Just kill them.
Mission 18: It’s Only Illegal if You’re Caught
Kill one of the old-gang members.
Dehenny: One of your ex-buddies is on his way to the precinct in a prison bus, only he ain’t gonna get there, Catch up with it in Felicity.
The bus made it, which means you didn’t. Job’s over, go home fuckup.
You got air between your ears? You were told to take it to the docks!
So far so good. Take it to the docks in Felicity. We’ll be waiting.
Dehenny: Get the hell outta there! Out the bus! NOW!!!
Dehenny: (breathless) Nice workin with ya kid. That really made my morning.
Mission 19: Hitmania
It all turns about as the Drug Cult gets targetted.
Dehenny: One of our snouts has been targetted; you gotta get the hitman when he gets out his car.
Snout: That you Jackie? What the… oh fuck! HELP!
Snout: There’s whole bunch of shit going down got word Jonny Renton’s plannin’a hit on the boss – the boss’ ass is on the line if he don’t watch out.
I heard word. Thanks for getting it back to me.
He was leading you right to him! We’ll never find him now!
Maybe YOU can get information from a dead guy, asswipe.
Mission 20: Carmudgeon
Autos are more valuable than gold.
Dehenny: Friend, the good lord wants you to protect the bosses automobiles from the unsaved. Get down to Richman Heights and kill the bastards stone fucking dead.
They’re in the area, keep watching for men in black.
Thug: Get your piece outta my face!
Thuggoid: You! You traitorous fuck, you’re fucking dead!
Thug: You’re meat! Ya hear me!
‘nother thug: Your ass is mine!
The bosses autos are wrecked you asshole! You won’t live to see the morning.
Leave nothing upright! Kill for the boss! Kill for me!
I want them dead, mister. I want their families dead. I want their pets dead!
Nobody fucks with the good lord’s autos!
Aim for the balls – make it hurt!
You saved the bosses kids. You done us proud.
Mission 21: All Things Gotta End
Dehenny: We hit [gang] bad in the last week and their having a funeral to prove it. We’re gonna hurt em even worse – get down to the cemetary in Little Bogota.
Let’s make them think bigger. Turn it into a MASS funeral. Kill ‘em.
Jonny: (hell, why not) A fuck man! Way overload! Move it dudes! Get the fuck outta here. Run!
Seeing you in action gives me the shivers. You’re good.
Mission 22: Firefight
Disrupt the meeting.
L Ron: Friend, if you are with us, then you will be at the courtyard in Miramire where we will be meeting with some of your old aquaintances, the [gang].
Dehenny here. We set the whole thing up. Flick your safety off and kill the guys in black.
Our guys are all dead! You fucked it. Too damn bad.
Gangsta: No way out this time, we’re gonna cut you up real good…
L Ron: I thank you for your part in this, you are truly one of us.
I heard the good news about the firefight – we’ll soon be Vice City’s number one, eh?
Mission 23: Too Much TV is Bad for You
Kill a TV presenter’s guest.
name: It’s hotting up out there, Christian Evanier – y’know the television host – has loyalties the wrong side of the track but took the payoffs anyhow. We’re gonna make sure his next guest doesn’t make her anti-drug statements.
Good work. Couldn’t stand her singing anyway.
Guard: Take him down, now!
She made the statement, now we’ll probably get less business.
Mission 24: Kamazaki
You are that unwitting dupe. Or something. I love those characters that appear in movies without names but who are referred to in the script as “Donny Van Rectum, guy with a thing about chickens and a bug up his ass.” So, distraught parent who saw his son turned into a drug zombie with jelly for a brain. Or is that jello since this is supposed to be American? Anyway, I’m typing this at three in the fucking morning and am trying to lighten up otherwise the computer is going through the window and at 4 floors up it’ll wake the neighbours and make the news. There’s probably a name for this. Wish I had a fucking six pack… Just remember kids, drugs aren’t a very good thing at all and we can all learn by making ourselves explode.
Anyway, Distraught Parent, CIA disinformation agent, ghost of Hamlet’s father, whatever, who gives a shit.
Oh yeah, GTA missions….
Distraught Parent: I know who you are. Get the car that’s sitting in Miramire. No questions.
Distraught Parent:(Hysteria like the wind) Don’t get out, man! I have a bomb strapped to my chest, see! No funny business or we both get blown to hell. Start driving!
Ghost of Hamlet’s Father (ok, ok, Distraught Parent): You know the hotel in Richman Heights? Whatever the fuck name it is, get me there, I ain’t messing around.
Distraught Parent: Further! Get right up fuck against the door! I gotta score to settle!
Distraught Parent: Get outta here! This is my fight, you wanna get spread over the sidewalk then you can just hold my fucking hand.
Distraught Parent: This is for Chuck!!
L Ron here. What the hell’s going on? Did you save the car? Is it OK?
Mission 25: Bosses House
One of the high ranking boss type people has had his house’s location rumbled. (Actually it was a journalist who had a geek assistant who posted this startling info on the internet alt.drugs.gangster.locations whereupon it made it to the internal DMA web site which was tapped by some ex-employee with a grudge about GTA. Just goes to show you shouldn’t blur the distinction between fact and reality. I don’t think I can convey all this info in two lines of dialogue though…)
Dehenny: The boss is in trouble! We got six crackheads got the ammo out for him. Better get to his house. That’s his other house, the one in Greek Heights. Move it!
The shooters must be close to the hotel.
The boss is dead. I guess he’ll find out if he’s believed in god the right way…
Nice work. The boss hasn’t got any new holes in him. He really is blessed.
Mission 26: Fast Eddie Gets Slowed
Follow Fast Eddie and leave a wake of destruction in your path.
So there you go, some dialogue from GTA. That’s not the end of the story, though, because as I mentioned in the introduction there was a pared down refined version. That’s not at nuts as the above, but it does contain a few additional items and some changes. For example ‘crackhead’ is now described as ‘casualty of applied chemistry’. And yeah, the very last one is an cameo appearance by the X-Files’ Fox Mulder.
Good news honey – it’s twins!
The corner store’s out of KY.
Do you know what I’m wearing right now, darling? It opens from the back…
Mobile – Lara
Honey, I had to shoot the dog. Could you pick up some carpet cleaner on the way over?
Today’s winning numbers are 01 13 14 34 38 and 49. This has been a free pager service by Cumalot.
I got it, Dana! Photo-proof the president’s a clone… shit wrong number. Sorry.